Relaxed. Emotion-less. Haven’t seen him in days, doesn’t feel like I’ve missed him right now though… even though I have.
At the door. Simple greeting. You are in control. “I’m hungry.” He’s. Damn that’s a great shirt, all preppy. His hair. And he looks so different! And he’s smiling, like really joyously smiling.
Hallway. staying in the hallway at the door. In the doorway. OK. Oh jesus, he’s so beautiful. And I love him. Oh, jesus, I love him? Ohmygod I love him.
Oh fuck. I. love. him.
This isn’t good.
Chill the fuck out. “Hey!” Oh thank gods and goddesses: it’s John; Distract me. “What’s up?” Reply: “Just… goin to dinner. I’m so fuckin hungry.” Leaning against the cold white concrete walls. It’s so fuckin cold in here. I missed him a lot. And I miss him right now. How can I miss him, right now; he’s right there in the room that shares the wall I am leaning against… Oh, I just want to hug you like a great big bear hug until all the missing is gone and I want to—
distract yourself M! chill the fuck out. “Hey Eli, how was your break?” I’m registering your voice, but I’m not listening to the words because well he’s standing there in the room and I’m in the doorway-hallway in-between because it’s safe here and he’s got that green against his skin,
and the smiling in his eyes, and please don’t look at me like that (it’s too much). Feel like I’m going to explode, become a star or some cosmos-shattering equivalent.
“How was your break?” Reply M, say something! “Oh, ya know” gush words of generalities, so fuckin trite I hate these conversations “family, food, homework; the usual” deliberately omit any appropriate response that actually expresses how my time “away” from school manifested itself because
I love this fucking kid and I’m going to explode into a star any fucking second. “Cool, cool…” Oh, yes, maintaining multiple conversations, checking into reality, right, ok and ope! John’s still there and Eli’s still there and Baby just get your shit together and let’s go
ope! “Bye guys, we’re off to food.” Good M, you’re flowin’. Maintain composure. You are in control.
Eli’s there. John’s gone.
And the black jacket, you’re wearing the black jacket. Of course you’re wearing the black jacket. I wear that jacket; it’s hot and lots of zippers and pockets (zippered pockets) and it smells of you and I like wearing it when you aren’t near me because… because I feel near you, you… comfort me.
We’re walking. He says “I missed you so much” and he’s meaning it like I haven’t heard before from him, and he’s holding me in his arms as we stride together side by side and I’m looking down,
keep looking down. why am I looking down! It’s the eyes, I feel you looking at me and seeing me, but seeing into me and, don’t— your laser eyes And can’t you tell I’m hiding from you! please stop looking at me. You’re gonna make something explode. And
I’ve never held him tighter than this, and I’m cradling my head into his chest and we’re walking side by side and he’s missed me and I cower, Hiding, I’m hiding. Say something M, you’re getting all insular— he’s your boyfriend, chill the fuck out— “Eeh.”
Jesus, that’s how you respond M? A noise, a muffled, coy, childish “Eeh”! Words. Use them. Why am I like this— he’s scaring me because I wanted to
run into his room and
jump on his bed and
bear hug him til all the missing is gone and the star in my chest
will swell up so much that all I can do
is beam words into the world “I
missed you
so
much baby
I love you I love you I love you.”
